A little while ago, my stepfather had a heart attack while trucking out of state. He's extremely lucky to be alive, and he had to come home for a while during his recovery.

It's been a long known fact in my house that when he's home for a while, he becomes very irritable. He's been home for quite some time now.

Additionally, there are two different light switches for the kitchen- one lights up several small lights, and the other lights up one big light in the middle that is significantly dimmer. He prefers the big one being used, not the other one. Ever, apparently.

Last Friday, I left the shower and went straight to my room. Within a short while, I heard loud steps in the kitchen followed by my name being shouted. When I replied, I was asked if it was me who left the wrong kitchen light on. I then heard my sister speak up and tell him it was her, and immediately after she did so, I heard him practically scream at her about it, and how he's been saying not to use one but the other, etc etc... My sister only replied saying "Okay. Okay." Over and over again. This, really, should've ended this conversation, as well as this entire issue as a whole.

The yelling fest apparently continued back downstairs, though it then included my mom. Once my sister escaped, it was only between my mom and him.

Nothing else happened that day. Not that I witnessed, anyway.

The next morning, my sister and I woke up to the fight growing in volume, which soon moved downstairs.

My sister and I spoke briefly from our doorways, then quietly retreated back to our rooms for a little while. I contacted a good friend via text messaging at this point- this was the longest and loudest quarrel between those two that I'd ever heard.

Eventually, I left my room to get a glass of milk, though once I opened the fridge, he came upstairs and told me that my sister and I had been requested downstairs.


This was the start of the nightmare.


We went downstairs and entered an oddly silent room, seating ourselves next to each other on the small couch.

What we had heard at this point is a little fuzzy to me. I just remember the tear-stained faces of the two adults in that room, his voice consistently loud and overbearing, her attitude, once resisting and now submitting, despite her own beliefs.

One moment stood out in my mind more than the rest, however.

This was when he tried to tell us that he wasn't "yelling" before, he had only "rose his voice". He told us in his yelling tone that this had been his voice raised, and then he fully all-out at the top of his lungs SCREAMED at us, saying that "THIS IS YELLING".

What has stuck in my mind is the sudden bursting sobs that suddenly came from my mother right after he did this. It was the most depressing thing I've ever heard, and the memory of it alone brings tears to my eyes.

When he was yelling at us about seemingly everything he found flawed about my sister and I's ways, I stared straight up at him from my spot, not blinking, swallowing, or looking away unless my mom had started to speak. My eyes teared up, too, though this time I used everything I had to stop myself from giving in like that. Usually when I'm like this, I rarely speak a word. However, I gained a little bit of a voice this time, and actually argued with the man. The man who you don't argue with. If you argue with him, he will talk over you, interrupt you, and repeat his point over and over and over until you've given up.

I eventually got him to turn to my mom and say "I give up", which satisfied me.

Rest assured, he found his muse again eventually, and the yelling continued for a while more. Once he left, I let go of myself a little almost started crying again (I had done this quite a few times now). The three of us left spoke quietly to each other, sporadically using slight humor to lighten the mood.

This, however, was the time that I learned what had gone on when I wasn't there, and all of my mother's actual issues. These issues included all of the tests that she still needed to get done, the majority being quite critical, so much that when cancer was brought up, she laughed and said that that was the least of her worries, even though she's begun smoking a lot more than she had because of the intense stress she's under. I also learned that for a long time now, she's been close to having a breakdown, that my sister was turning into someone she really shouldn't be, and that I, apparently, will have a "very very hard life", though I didn't receive reasons why.

The moral of the story, it seemed, was that we cannot argue with the unreasonable when it came from him. We needed to do whatever he said, for if we ever did any different, we needed to go to him and sincerely apologize and tell him that he was right.

There was more crying at this point, though my sister and I kept our defenses up as much as we could. Eventually, the television was turned on, and the usual calm life we once had began to very slowly take shape. I left the room to play my keyboard to get my emotions out.

I suppose the most heartbreaking thing was seeing the strongest person I knew against that man submit to him. She was the assurance that we can still do what we'd like, express our opinions against his if we had any, and that we didn't have to take all the yelling. When she broke down, so did this assurance.

The first day life returned to normal, I had random breakdowns all day, where I would sob for hours on end for seemingly no reason, be constantly irritated at everything but actual people, and hear the sudden sobs of the one I looked up to echo in my head over and over.

And so now, life has become much like it was before. The same sounds, sights, feelings, everything. It's all the same, and yet everything has become sour to me.

Okay. It's currently 1:44 am, and I've had this sudden urge to update this journal even though I barely have an idea of what I am to talk about.

_Yes.



Today I finished up the last of school with around 6 hours of nonstop math. I've recently discovered that I enjoy math problems the harder they get, because they're like these little puzzles that make you learn all these rules to solve. Of course, like anything else, they're highly frustrating and irritating if you have no clue what you're doing.

So I went to the review class, where I don't believe I learned much more than I already knew when I came in that morning, had an unnecessarily long lunch break, and then proceeded to the gymnasium to start the tiring Math B Regents. Joy.



I finished early. I always finish math tests early. Since I had a wealth of free time, I took at least three nappy naps, and when I wasn't napping, I looked around at all the people who were.

I really wished for scrap paper at that point. At least then I could doodle. -_-;

As soon I was given the clear to go, I shot up from my seat, grabbed my sketchbook and MP4 player, and started fast-walking to the door. I needed to go home and sleep nao plz. D:



Since that subject is obviously going nowhere, I'll change it.

My girlfriend, Kayla, is graduating this year. That means she's moving on to college and whatnot, and I have another year of High School to do. =/

She's seemed a bit uneasy as of lately because of it.


One thing that's been bugging at me about this whole thing is what college we'll be going to, and as such if we'll be able to see each other as often as we do now (which hasn't been very often).

Our original plan was to go to the same one as my sister and our friend, Savannah. There's at least one class I know I was aiming to take there and I heard the food's good. Really good. Gud fud.

But then, you shouldn't pick your college based on one class (that's not even going to be your major) and how gud the fud is. =/


_{Quick side story: Every year, I go to the award ceremony at school and get some little award thingy. Yay. This year, though, I decided not to go, since it would complicate travel plans to go to my dad's house, and because I was strangely unmotivated to do so. This first time I missed it, I didn't get just some little award thingy. I got a scholarship. Yeah. To a DIFFERENT college than the one I had planned on going to in the first place.}


And so, I had to choose between my original choice, where my sister and friends would be going to, where there was gud fud, where they had at least one class I knew I was interested in taking...

...and my now second choice, a smaller one with (apparently) a great art program and _{(omg... I think I just swallowed a bug.)} one that I had $15,000 a year for 4 years already paid to.


I've now been wondering where Kayla's going, since she said she can't take a year off as planned. If we were to go to the college that I got a scholarship to, then she'd spend a whole year without me. If she went somewhere else, it would be even longer. This issue seems to be more of a matter of learning to be apart than anything else, although that pains me to think about.


...


Okay. Now to yet another subject.


So I'm on FaceBook now. Yeah. I used to be one of those people who still used MySpace and still am, but due to frequent requests of my doing so, I've made an account on FaceBook.

It doesn't come with all the pretty profiles and music choices and whatnot like MySpace did, but it's a little bit easier to keep in touch with everyone. My dad was even on it. A lot of people from my school are there, my distant relatives are there, my step family's there, and even KAYLA'S there.

I actually put that Kayla and I were together there, and my almost-stepbrother-thing started to spazz because he doesn't want my dad to know about Kayla and I, because if he knew, then he'd tell his fiance, my almost-stepmom-thing, and apparently she's against that sort of thing.

I, or course, don't really care. So I kept it there anyway.

I may hear about that in the nearby future. Hyuk hyuk hyuk.


...maybe one more subject...



Okay. So you know it's good for your skin to exfoliate, right? Well, there's these little pink things that gradually scrape away dead skin cells and whatnot that my mom had gotten a while ago, and I've been using them. I used one yesterday, in fact.

I got a little carried away, though.

I was aiming to get the little bumps off of my nose and make it nice and smooth. What I ended up doing was skinning the bridge of my nose to the point where it's a different texture than the rest of me.

It wasn't that bad at first. I went to bed, thinking, it won't be that bad. And so when I woke up, it came as a small surprise that I now looked as if I had fallen face-first onto concrete, smeared against the ground a small distance, and somehow avoided injury to any other part of me except for my nose.

And that is what I look like at the moment. Normal with a red blotchy-looking scabby-thing on my nose.


It is now 2:28 am, and my sister beat me to bed for once. I think I'll be getting off the computer now.

First off, an apology.

I'm very sorry for my lack of activity to all of my watchers and friends. I've been busy with school and mostly doing only Avatar-Art requests on GaiaOnline and I'm not sure if I should upload the rest of those or not...


Today is and my Anniversary, but we unfortunately cannot see each other. *sigh*


And now, my latest stuff.

Do you all know of the live action Death Note movies? And if so, you know the brilliant actor who plays L, Ken'ichi Matsuyama? OuO He is the first realistic person that I've drawn since I was in middle school~ xP I drew him three times now, and each time I get better at it~! 8D

My first time:
[link]

My second time:
[link]

My thrid time:
[link]


I also plan to upload more cosplay pictures in the future. I've almost perfected my L cosplay, I'm working on Nagisa Furukawa and Miku Hatsune, and and I plan on having a Death Note photoshoot sometime soon.

We had actually had a NaruHina photoshoot a couple of years ago, but we found out after many-a-pictures-later that the camera hadn't really taken any. And now, my hair isn't cut like Hinata's anymore, so I need a wig. -_-


And finally, since I'll be working on my college art portfolio during the summer and the duration of this school year as well as the next, expect a variety of stuff in the future~ C=

That is all. -w-