Hey peoples of DeviantART. And in some cases, FaceBook.

There'll be nothing artsy in this entry, just my rambles of my current worries.



As of lately, I've come to recognize my sleep deprivation, but then I realized, who isn't deprived nowadays?


I've been stressed, because there're things going on at school to do, meetings to go to, assignments to remember, time to spend...

There's my home life, where I feel like... things happen around me that I can't help or make better in any way, no matter what I say or do, though I won't actually see any of the negativity first hand anyway.

And finally there's my friends. Or, who I think are my friends, anyway.
A fear of mine, more or less, is the fading away of my group of friends from each other.
Lately, I feel like I'm fading from them instead.
It's like... when we're all together, a story progresses. When I left, the story was put on hold, but for everyone else it continued, and now they're all way ahead of me.

I don't have time to do things anymore, I'm tired all the time, there isn't a way for me to go places without feeling guilty of making someone drive me, and my friends always seem to have ways of getting to each other all the time...

I've also noticed how I haven't had as much interaction with some friends as I've had when my girlfriend was beside me, and I've come to an unsure conclusion that... maybe they just liked her, and I was just... there. Maybe that's all I ever was to them: the girl NEXT TO their treasured friend.

And...

Even though we spent a few days together recently, I feel like I don't see my girlfriend all that much anymore. At least, not as much as I'd like to.
She spends lots of time with friends of hers, especially one good friend of hers.
There isn't anything to worry about there, though. I trust them both very much, and know that she would never cheat or anything like that, despite what some people may say.

But that's another thing: what some people may say. These people... I've trusted for years... and... though they haven't said anything of the sort to me personally, and really, it's not my place to say anything about it, I feel... kind of betrayed. It's as if... when I'm not there, to certain people, it's as if my entire existence, body and feelings, have vanished from the world for a few hours or so.


Another thing, also, is that I've been worried about my girlfriend. I've told her a few times last year that I thought she should see a doctor, and... I really wish that I could've just taken her there myself... but I know I can't.

What kills me is that... it's always been that I can just speak to her, and she feels better. I don't know if the issues are just bigger now, or if I really had any power at all, but lately I've felt powerless in that sense... and that I can't help anyone that I really want to help.


And lastly, my decision-making skills have been put in jeopardy.
_{If nobody's noticed, I can speak more freely and clearly from behind a computer than in real life, making it seemingly essential (to me, at least) to rant in my journals to avoid misinterpretations.}
I was a little offended when I was bluntly told that I can't make decisions by a friend, but I didn't say anything. This is because, when I think back, that's exactly the impression I've given him in the first place.
This indecisiveness, as perceived, is when I ask what others want to do instead of saying what I'd like to (I'm guessing). And THIS is because whenever I'm asked, it's by someone close to me (usually my girlfriend), and I always seem to be cautious to make sure I don't make them do something that they don't want to do, and have them not say anything because they're only going along with it to be nice, or whatever word you'd use there.

*sigh*




And here I am, posting this in a website meant for art, because I know it'll be read by at least one person, but if I were to put it where lots of people were to read and comment, like FaceBook, I'd worry some people and end up stressing myself even more...

...I need a vacation, or something...